Summer pt.1: Silence in Queens

Dear readers,

I haven’t written much. Why? Well, a lot is happening.

After a whole month spent in New York City, I’ve realized that his city has – no matter what – my heart and spirit. I feel at home in NYC. I feel myself in NYC. I feel comfortable in NYC.

However, given the past circumstances and the confusion I’ve been dealing with, I had to distance myself from the city in order to realize how much I would appreciate this space that I currently building, currently navigating, and currently embracing. I’m living the moment, a lot. But I’m making plans for the future. I’m balancing. It’s a process.

I forced myself to live the moment, since I got back from Los Angeles. In LA I had the chance to experience so much that on my way back to NYC I felt grateful for the time spent there. But I got disappointed by LA. I saw a lot of poverty on the streets, the prices are really high for anything, and overall I didn’t feel safe being alone there. Don’t get me wrong: the hiking experiences, the movie theatres, the panels and events and clubs I’ve been to were amazing, but only for a very limited time. I wasn’t very lucky with the weather, but I enjoyed a lot walking in Santa Monica and Marina Del Rey. Venice Beach was nice, The Groove was a cool place. I took part of a writing workshop, shopped a bit in Melrose Avenue, had a “date” night at DaPoetry Lounge, and listened to lots of music. And walked. And used Lyft. A lot. While listening to music – Lana Del Rey, Kanye West, and Ariana Grande.

I feel like I could say so much more about LA, but honestly… I realized that the only lesson that I’ve learned from such trip is that not every place can be the solution to your problems. I was trying to escape from NYC, but the only thing that I needed was distance from the mental space I was in. And yes, one physical place for sure: college.

Without any more details – which will be featured on the book I’m working on – the city of angels served indeed as a lesson, a valuable one. Escaping to other places won’t solve your problems. Visiting tons of places helps a lot, though. It is amazing and you may end up living the best experiences, both formative and relaxing (*misses Puerto Rico*) Although I came across amazing theatre/creative-related programs and contacts, I was feeling a bit home-sick: I was missing New York. I missed walking, being familiar with the space, the sounds…

Coming back to the Big Apple was refreshing. In one month a lot happened. I’ve officially moved from campus, started planning my 2019 fall/ 2020 winter, built a new diet and exercise plan to stick to on a daily basis, and the most important thing: I’ve been mastering my silence. These days I’ve been living in Queens, with Alyssa and Victoria, my friends and mentors. I love them. I’m thankful I get to stay with them and learn from them. Good vibes.

Being silent doesn’t mean to disconnect from real life, give a break on social media, or being careless toward others. My being silent has been efficient because it has allowed me to stop assuming or creating bad scenarios in my head. Speaking less and listening more has made more aware of the present and how I should relate to it. Being silent made me realize that I still love people who according to others I shouldn’t love, but if I’m silent I can give that love from far away. It may be healthier for me, as I don’t interfere in anyone’s business, and for them, as they shall live their existence in the way they’ve chosen to.

I started this silent thing back in LA. I’m still on that vibe, and after a full month I can say that the results are pretty good. I’ve been solid in solely focusing on myself. Thanks to my new habits I’ve expanded and made deeper my interests in the creative field – so far specifically modeling, acting (voiceover) fitness, and photography. I’ve also developed better financial skills (and culinary ones, since I’ve started cooking for myself). Because of this last one, I had the chance to allow myself to explore the city more and more (everyday I set a goal of at least 10,000 steps and a new neighborhood to discover).

Silence made me appreciate listening and learning from the people around me. I’m a constant learner in the love and relationship field, watching what others are doing. Dear reader, if you like Audrey Hepburn, listen to Frank Ocean and Cesare Cremonini and Bossa Nova, and still sleep with a teddy bear… you might not be on the hot-girl-summer-vibe or on the lust-situationship-person (*season 2 of Grownish*). And if you are not on that vibe, don’t worry. That’s ok… you can always hang out with some bad bitches and have a lil fun and be back on your vibe, chilling. It’s fun, yay, for a bit! Don’t neglect yourself for being yourself. There’s nothing wrong in your actions when they’re truly felt. So you good. Stay in your lane.

Being silent made me once again that being yourself is the best thing you could ever do. Never imitate nor try to be like others. There are many who claim to be unique or themselves, but… most of these amazing people are the ones who are highly selective, determined, and speak with their actions. No matter how much time they get to accomplish their goals, these enlightening people come in your life if you are able to silence your confusion and bring on the table your standards, with transparency, open-mindedness, and love. Ugh, here I am again with my love stuff. But that’s what humans are moved by, real talk…?

I’ve been and I intend to be silent for a very long time. I’m changing a lot by remaining the same and sharpening my mind. Thick brain and strong heart, that’s my mood.

When people ask me what this blog is about I don’t know what to say. I always end up saying that it’s about me… there might be reviews, a topic-post, a short story… but this blog is about anyone who feels alone and needs a good company. Someone who’s fiercely in love with herself, no matter how many struggles she has been through (and many more to come I guess, ’cause ain’t this life?) and no matter how lost and misunderstood she might be.

Tomorrow is July. Tomorrow is Monday. I should go to sleep.

After my (night) skin care routine, another thing I’ve been into lately. And, oh baby, the results are fire! Boo, my skin is poppin indeed!



PS: It’s summer. Drink more water than usual.

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